I guess I’m due for a huge entry since I haven’t written anything substantial in a month or so. I was talking to my mom the other night and said it’s been SSDD, but I guess a couple interesting things have happened…

( ”church )

( ”Weight )

And now I’m spent. I’m going to get ready for bed. Have a good one, all.

The past month has been crazy. A real time of transition for me, and not just in the traditional "new year's" sense. If anything, those type of resolutions, while they have been considered, are being saved for my birthday this year because I just haven't been able to wrap my head around them. I feel like my whole life is in overhaul right now, in a good way...

( so here's what's been going on... )

So I guess that about catches us up. That's the main stuff. I have been reading everyone elses posts, I just haven't had the time (or presence of mind, really) to post myself. Something else I'll have more time for in the future!

1. I passed my final paper with flying colors. 100%. No points off. Un-frickin-believable.

2. My BFF here in Vermont and her fiance have moved in next door with black cat. Yay!

3. We're hosting Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow for about a dozen people. I'm soooo excited to play hostess. I loves it.

4. I've lost 11.4 pounds since starting Weight Watchers. Rock.

5. I just made two pumpkin pies--from almost scratch (I didn't actually carve and mash the pumpkin). Awesome.

6. Matt fixed the cable hook-up in the kitchen so it is no longer attached to the living room. :)

I'm down another 3 pounds. With my period. And actually using some of my flex points. Awesome. Love it. Grand total so far: 5.8

Seriously, I'm a geek and I love it. I love my meetings (even though I'm still not a big talker, I'm working on it). There's one lady there, Jen, who is fabulous. She's very much a quirky, slightly eccentric mom-type who was the first to start talking to Denise and I the first week we walked in offering suggestions and recipes and all that. She always greets us with a "hello girls!" . I adore her. Seriously. Its a very positive atmosphere. I look forward to it.

And I haven't touched the community chocolate bowl at work in 3 weeks. Even though someone brought in chocolate covered hazelnuts (which I love) and dark chocolate (which I also love and no one else eats). Oh well. It will sit there. I know I can have it. But I don't want it. I've got my mini Luna bars and my sugar free Jello double chocolate pudding. I'm good. That chocolate bowl is reactionary for me--I'll hit it unconsciously when I'm stressed and won't pay attention to how much I'm eating. I don't want to get into it because of what it symbolizes for me and how it will affect me. So I avoid it. My co-workers still don't know I'm doing Weight Watchers. Hasn't come up, despite my lack of chocolate eating.

I'm such a geek. So I'm totally loving Weight Watchers. Love it. I seriously love the accountability of the meetings (though Dee and I are the youngest in the room by at least 10 years). I love surfing the website to find more recipes, and so far Matt and I have both really liked what I've tried. I feel empowered by the emphasis on not cutting anything out, and instead making conscious choices about how I use my daily points. (i.e. It's not that I "can't" have something, it's that I don't feel the points are worth it, and I'd rather have something else.) I love that Matt is so super-supportive and that I have a friend to do this with, someone to confess to when it's rough going, someone who understands why I'm making certain choices.

The structure of it has broken me of my compulsive daily weigh-ins. Because I'm being held accountable by others I don't need to force it on myself. And while I always approached the scale with a healthy enough attitude (it didn't determine my mood, simply gave focus to my efforts) it's not a healthy situation when you're weighing yourself all the time. I'll say last week (the first week) was tough. But it's getting easier. I'm not fighting the urge every morning the way I did at first.

I've officially made it two weeks at work without succumbing to the chocolate bowl. Woo hoo! My Luna bars have helped me through that fiasco. I've found little mini ones that are the same size as the fun-size candy bars with which our chocolate bowl is filled. They are part of my work "survival package"--a kit full of healthy things to snack on or make a make-shift lunch from should I forget to pack one (so I don't have to go to McDonald's).

I debated at first about even doing this. I'm a hard-core Jillian fan, I know that she's not a fan of it because of the points and how it makes it hard for people to equate points with calories. But I understand calories, that isn't my problem. Occasionally I'll log a day on SparkPeople just to see whereabouts my calories are (more out of curiosity than anything). But in one of her more recent podcasts, she admitted that there isn't one right plan for everybody. That you have to find something that works for you. And this does. It meets my biggest need--accountability. Because when it's just me and my computer, I can choose to not log, or not weigh, and no one would know. I could lie if I really wanted to (which I don't do because I don't see the point, if I didn't want to admit it, I just wouldn't log anything in Spark). Having a group of women (and men) who will see me every week and cheer on my success and talk me through the rough patches is amazing and exactly what I need. This is something I won't give up on. This is something I will see through to the end. And when you achieve lifetime status meetings are free, so conceivably this is something I can see continuing for a long time.

I'm not trying to set my ultimate goal yet. I have a couple of numbers in mind, but I don't want to pick something that will ultimately be too hard to maintain. But I don't want to sell myself short either. So I'm debating. And for the moment, I'm just focusing on the first 10% because until I reach that my ultimate goal doesn't really matter anyway. I have a little bit of time to make a decision, and I can consult with my leader before I have to set it. 

And the 5k I was going to run this year? Didn't happen. But, inspired by Stacey (doing it ahead of schedule, no less!) I've restarted the C25k program. I'm giving myself 2 weeks on each level to ease back in (I had been doing intervals on my own for a couple of months before I started the program initially). And I will be more than ready come the first race of the spring.

The funny thing is though, that i'm not talking about it. I mention it in here, and I speak about it openly with Matt and Dee (obviously), but I don't mention it at work (either job). I don't talk about it when I talk to people from home. I don't talk about it. I guess I feel funny brining it up. Even though I'm excited about it, when people ask what's new, I think about saying something but don't. Even with my best friends. Even with my family (though, in theory, they're reading about it here). *shrugs* Still, accountability is what I'm after. It's the one thing that has been holding me back.  In the past I wouldn't mention diets, etc. in case I didn't finish. In case I didn't succeed I wouldn't have to face anyone's disappointment or be embarassed. But I'm not going to fail this time. I'm committed to this. So why not talk about it? Why not tell everyone? Why not mention it? I guess it's something I'll have to work on. But I think this post is a good start. :)

-work

Work has been stressful. We alternate good days with bad. Our boss had a meeting with us this morning to try to get to the root of why we're all so unhappy and what can be done to change it. We laid a lot more on the line than I think he expected us to. My biggest thing is he keeps asking what he can do to motivate me (as far as sales go) I finally told him, listen, I don't even want to stay with this company anymore, that money isn't a motivator for me, its just not. I have enough to get by. I want to work for non-profit because I'm sick of the corporate bullshit. I said, all I really want, is to go home and see my family and friends, I can get the time off, I can afford to make the trip, but just because I'm free doesn't mean they are. So if he could find a way to give me a week off with my family and friends then I would do backflips or whatever he wanted. But he can't give me the only thing I want. So it doesn't matter. I will do my job to the best of my ability because it is my job. But there is nothing he can give me that will make me go above and beyond.

-biggest loser 6.4

Why do they keep sending home the people I like? First my Boston boys, then Jerry, now Ed. Seriously. Could they get rid of someone else? Like that witch from the Brown team? And speaking of Vicky, I feel like this week's episode was meant to soften her image. She was actually...human. Nice, even, at times. Not completely horrible. I still don't like her, she smirked. Her husband had to tell her to clap. But, at least she's not completely horrible. Oh, and Jillian going ape shit on the Purple team (and the rest of her girls). Damn. That was awesome! And I'm with her, I can't wait for season 7 (which they are filming right now), hopefully they will suck less.

-ww

I lost 2.8 this week. Yay! I'm still way too excited about this. I really like going though. Being proactive is a good thing.

-fundraising

I'm doing Trick-or-Treat for Unicef again this year. Actually, I've been collecting since last year. And I got them to set up boxes at the registers at the store. Which makes me feel good.

Also, I'm being locked up for MDA. One of the restaraunts near work participates in the Lock-Up every year, and a co-worker got me involved. They come to work, 'arrest' you, give you lunch and all you have to do is raise as much money as you can towards your 'bail'. Goal is set at $800 and many of you are getting an email from me regarding this. Please give if you can, but I know finances are tight for most of us, so please don't feel pressured. If you didn't get an email from me, but would like to help, here is the link to my personal MDA homepage:

https://www.joinmda.org/lebanonlockup102908/egardner219

So my life has been pretty busy lately and my journal has not accurately reflected it. Time to play catch-up, I suppose.

( Biggest Loser 6.3 )



( School )

( Confession )

So I guess that's my life in a nutshell, at least right now. More soon. :)