I'm in kind of a funk. Started last night. Work was "anh". Annoyed about this whole Bush-spying thing and that his approval rating is going up. Now NYC transportation is shut down. Feel like the apocalypse has to be coming. As Matt said last night "Instead of the President of the UN being the anti-Christ it's the President of the US". My anxiety is generalized and free flowing at the moment and it sucks because it is my day off this week. Grrr. This is not how I want to spend my day off. How I DO want to spend my day off--wrapping presents, finishing my cards for work, cleaning up my room, seeing RENT again with Katie and making dinner for Matt. I should work on my Loyola application too. *sigh*

I want to go back to bed and start over.

Thanks to all those who said prayers for my grandma, she's doing much better. Still in the hospital, still unstable, but she's off the respirator, she's eating actual food, and she's sitting up and all that. I didn't really realize it at the time, but she'd actually gone into cardiac arrest and they brought her back, so I'm very thankful that she's still here.

Getting nervous for the Psych GREs--tomorrow's the big day. Then I just have to get my applications sent out. Dear Lord, give me strength.

Onto happier things--how about Biggest Loser on Tuesday? I'm diggin' Matt's new hair and soooo glad that my faves are still on. Worried about Matt for next week, but we'll see. And way to go Dr. Jeff! How awesome is it that he hit the 100 pound mark? I had a feeling he'd do it, and I'm so glad he did.

Okay, I'm off to find lunch and then go study some more. Hang tough, kids. Lata...

My new goals are to post something everyday in my lj (shouldn't be too hard for now) and to respond to emails warranting a response as soon as I read them. Almost didn't do that today, but I remembered that I told myself I was going to do it, so I did. Hopefully getting a headset for my phone this Christmas will help me return more calls--I find that fun gadgets make mundane things easier.

Got my GRE Psychology practice test in the mail today--guess that means I'm really going to do this again, God help me. So I need to make myself study and all that jazz. I also have a book of practice tests that I should go through again (it's been over a year since I looked at it) and I should get on Chris K about those review cards he promised me. I really, really want to get into grad school.

I'm having so much fun with my new computer. She has a sticker now. It's a nod to "Hellboy"--a sticker for the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense. When Matt bought this package of stickers I purposely saved this one to go on my new computer whenever I would get it, and I think it's perfect and very fitting.

Meeting my friend John for dinner, then I think we're going to hang out with one/some of our friends for awhile. Possibly another game night, because much as I was anxiety attacking at the time, I really had fun at the last one. I wish we could institute them on a regular basis, but our schedules vary so much that it's hard to make that happen. Oh well. Matt's right, I need to stop isolating myself so much, it isn't good for me (even though I do tend to have anxiety attacks before we go out, I'm usually okay once I'm there). It's something for me to work on. One of many things, actually.

I'll be very glad to get back to my normal schedule at work, though at least I have one day off next week. I like working 40 hours because I need the money, but I also like not being at work all the bloody time, which is pretty much what it has felt like for the past week. Two more days until Vangie gets back and I'm out of the office for a spell. I'll be on the floor most of next week, which is fine with me, because as much as I like my box, I'm starting to get a little sick of my box. Still no word on the raise I asked for, but Debbie has mentioned a couple of times that she's brought it up to them again, so we'll see what happens.

On that note, I guess I'm going to post this and tool around online a little more before I go a few doors down to meet John. Hang tough, kids...more later...

I went to work. I told myself that if I started feeling anxious while I was driving I would call off from the car and come back home. But driving actually helps calm me down (it forces me to focus on something outside of myself), which is part of the reason I really need to have a car of my own again. I'm okay. Going to work kind of helped because the guys there cheer me up. I wasn't busy until the end of the evening, but it was okay. I'm better now, at least slightly. I still don't know why I freaked out the way I did. My anxiety has been worse lately, but I've been able to manage it. This afternoon I was just absolutely flooded. My head exploded. All the chaos and confusion just poured out and I don't know where it came from. I felt it coming in a way. I felt a little nervous and queasy this afternoon. I don't always have an attack when I feel that, but I'm pretty sure I've felt it every time I've had an attack. I have to say pretty sure because it's been awhile since my anxiety has been this bad. I don't know if it's the change that isn't on my terms, or the changes in general or what. I've just been freaking out lately. And I'm tired all the time, no matter how much I sleep. I think because I worry so much it just wipes me out. *shrugs* I don't know what's wrong with me. And the best part is that I have no insurance, so I can't find out what's wrong and even if I did I couldn't afford anything to fix it. (Though I'm not big on talk therapy and I'm VERY hesitant to go back on medication. Imagine that, a psychology major who isn't into talk therapy. T. Gale's classes killed me. Excruciating.) Honestly, I'm a big fan of dealing with as much as I can on my own, which I guess is part of my problem. I'm not good at opening up or letting people help me. Ugh. I hate this, I hate being like this.

Believe it or not, I feel better. Really. But can you imagine this entry if I didn't?

But I'm not really going to feel better or get better until I can figure out at least one of the following:
Why the hell I'm like this --or-- How I can make it stop

I'll keep you posted. I just knew that if I didn't update again my adoring public would wonder if I was okay. Thanks for caring and all that. I appreciate it.